I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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