He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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