i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
