dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
