Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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