my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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