Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
