there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
