I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
