he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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