my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
