My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
