I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
