Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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