Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I want her autograph on my taint
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Come on in and take your pants off
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