You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The uberlube is also flammable
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
