The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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