you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
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The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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