Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
