We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
