I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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