I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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