Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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