Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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