im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
