I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
