Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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