Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
