I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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