Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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