I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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