JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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