I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
