The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
