Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
