I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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