I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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