so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
home. puking in laundry basket.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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