like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
