I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
