After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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