If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
