Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
