If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
