I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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