she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
