my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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