if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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