yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
