I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
