so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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