Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
