Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize