i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
